What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 10:46
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She loved him until the end.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Eos iste et tenetur sunt rerum eligendi.
I was seconnd youngest,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were not on the streets..
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What should I do to get over a relationship?
He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
I will be 64.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My life is so biszare .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So, i spoilt her more .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
All the time i was locked up.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.